So long Blogger, Hello Wordpress

ive had it up to my armpits
with Blogger
Ive moved
workin it
from the phone
Darlings, this is a free country.. At least fashion wise it is. It is not law that you wear black pants in the winter.. It's really not..

I'm sort of embarrassed about my big font

Feeling small. You were very special. I'm sad and yet rejoicing for you. Thinking of the wee family. Can't believe it happened so fast.

Having major technical difficulties from my phone here. Can't even edit my last post. So when you see the word "tell" it's sappose to say "yell"
And if a word looks like its missing- it is. It's sappose to say "here"
Some news:

-I've been able to pin down the fear for my daughter
She went to school today
I've discovered that as long as she didnt need to take the bus, she was willing to go.

-another boy I look after has become really aggresive, which actually makes me happy because I don't think my son is so crazy anymore. Actually he's been exceptionally sweet latley.

- God answers prayers. Sometimes in very odd or difficult ways, but he does and I am so grateful for that.

- I've had enough Mommy Stress and Mommy Guilt for a life time already. Today I was reading a nice little thing someone had posted that is written to make us better parents. And you know what, I didn't want to hear it at all. I'm so emotionally exhausted from this week. I am doing and giving my best. I am not perfect. I will make mistakes. I too, have to survive parenthood, and all those "Good Mommy Posters, do not make me better. They make me feel more guilt.
Ill just tell you
The sign said
"Your Voice becomes Your Childs Inner Voice"
Sounds nice
But then it's like
Ok, so I guess I'm not suppose to tell
I guess I'm not suppose to be sharp or impatient
I am sappose to be a paradigm of Light and Goodness. A god.
I am not.
And either is life.
And this is what I am saying:
Sometimes in life there is a time to run and not walk
There is a time to yell and not whisper
There is a time to fight and not bow
There is a time to cry
To freak out even
Seriously People
This is Life
This is no picnic of strawberries and marshmallows
This is pull up your boot straps.
So, I confess,
I yell
I yell to hurry up
I yell when I'm not being listened to
I yell when the stove is hot
Friends, it gets even uglier than that.
Ok. That's the truth
Things can get right crazy around
Because folks, I've got limits.
I have boundaries.
I have goals for my kids.
I have a standard.
Which I am willing to Fight for.
 It's worth the fight
That's what I think
It's worth the difficulty and the flying feathers
I'm not here to impress other moms(although sometimes that's what it feels like)
I'm not even here to bend to my kids every whim
I'm not here to blend in with my neighbours
I'm here for God and God alone.
And God is telling me that
Sometimes I am wrong
Sometimes I need to change
And so,
Sometimes my kids also need to know
Sometimes they are wrong
Sometimes they need to change

Bummer doesn't cut it

Blog world,
I'm bummed
I'm exasperated
I'm overwhelmed
I'm sad

Have you ever had a panic attack? An anxiety attack?
I have.
In the past.
I know a tonne of people who have had these.
People, if you think you may have had one, you probably haven't.
There's nothing wishy washy about this stuff
It's very debilitating
It seems I may have passed this on to my precious
Who told me today
That she doesn't feel safe
And doesn't want to go to school
(Well she wants to but she doesn't want to and then she can't stop crying till she throws up)
I explained to her what a panic attack feels like and asked her if she feels like that and she said Yes
Perhaps this is just a blip on the screen.
However there have been numerous other "signs" that I have seen in her that I don't have the time to share...
I feel so bummed

"I wonder. Are my daughters growing up in a world where the natural woman is becoming extinct? Will they know what a white-haired woman looks like? Will they experience seeing the deepening wrinkles on a woman's face, around her eyes, curling under her chin down to her chest? Will they know more than just a handful of women who have learned to accept their bodies graciously?

I have seen porn. I have watched movies. Not many. Not much. It was all at great expense to be "open minded" and "sexually uninhibited" and "educational." But it left me doubting my own inherent sexuality, in some cases it felt like an act of violence to my spiritual, sensual self. It took away my sexual empowerment.  It left me in a fog of stupidity."

Keeping my toe nails

Despite popular culture
I'd just like to confirm
That I will never start training for a marathon
There may be other performance type experiences in my future
But that won't be one

There's always room at the back of the line

This whole Love Languages thing
Is on my mind
People like to say that they are a "gift" person
Or a "words" person
I say Nay

I dare say that there may be many ideas about sharing and showing love
But the Real test of showing your love is Time.
Our precious precious personal Time is what actually shows Love
Saying words - easy
Giving gifts- easy
Time. Giving Time. Showing up for events.
Not easy
We reserve our precious precious time only for what or who we Love
Now I'm not talking about romantic love here cause I could see how that could include the "touch" love
I'm talking love from our parents and sisters and friends
I'm finding that as we get older and busier
That time is becoming more and more valuable
So who I spend time with says a lot
And who chooses to spend time with me also says a lot
I am sure that I have let people down in this area many times
And I guess the truth is, we don't have time for everything and everyone
It's just hard sometimes
Realizing how low I am on the totem pole
That's all

Made for a Cave. Lamb Please

My son
He's 16 months

Have you met him?
Maybe he is like yours

I've been researching latley "aggression in children"
Because, well.. He's aggressive
I know that "boys are more aggressive"
But I look after 2 boys the same age as him every day
Trust me
They are not the same.
I'm worried
This is not "learned" behaviour
This is:
"I'm an Alpha Male and I'm gonna bonk you on the head for fun all day long I don't care who you are or what your response is I'm not mad at you I'm just going to continually hit and grab and throw at anyone I can for fun I love my mom and will cuddle and smile and dance but don't trust me ever"

He is actually a Bully
A real true Bully
Not angry. Not frustrated. Just a Bull.
All day long I nurse the wounds that others receive from him
All day long I try and discipline and teach and persuade that this is not appropriate behaviour

My plan of attack for this kid is sports and tools
Give him a ball or a screwdriver and he is in his element
I'm worried about school for him already
He seems to gain the most amount of pleasure from beating on the wimpiest ones
I can already hear the phone ring
"Is this ms Tomlinson? Are you Justices Mom? Well, we have a problem"
The truth is, I see myself in him
He got this from me for sure
That's what scares me the most
I am a VERY physical person
Just the other day my husband was in the pantry and I needed to get in
Well, I don't really wait. For anything.
I just push.
I didn't even realize what I was doing
Until Scott was like "um thanks"
I had just literally Bullied my way past him and in so doing pushed him out of the way.
He wasn't even done what he was doing
This definitely is not the first time that I have "seen" myself
It's just a recent example
When I was in grade 2
(Now this is the truth here people so don't be mean)
I was "known" to kick the boys in the shnuts. Like all the time. That's what I did. I also had 12 boyfriends. I probably forced them.
The other thing that I see in myself
Is I also have a hard time with "wimps"
I do
I have a really really difficult time with people who I deem as spineless
Nothing infuriates me more than people who do not have the shnuts to speak up or speak truth or be honest. I find that often people think that they are being so "nice" when actually they are just being spineless.
I don't know
I'm not proud of this nature of mine
But I'm also not ashamed
I just find it difficult sometimes to work with
Which is why I think of Justice.
We need to be both a Lion and a Lamb.
Some of us need more help at being a Lion
Some a Lamb

Just a very interesting article about boys at school

I have read about the boys educational crisis in various places, including your own columns and blogs. One thing that is being overlooked: changes in the disciplinary environment in the school and the home negatively affect boys. For decades, we have heard feminists insist that differences in behavior between the sexes are not due to biology but rather due to social constructs imposed on society by the self-serving patriarchy (which was why we abandoned the biological term “sex” in favor of the social construct “gender”).
So, the solution to male misbehavior has been to tell them that it is acceptable, even desirable to “reject the patriarchy” and renounce masculinity in favor of being more feminine (basically Carol Gilligan’s solution to the boys crisis).
Even though they have largely been ignored by the various waves of feminists, research in neuroscience and psychology refutes a lot of these theories as unworkable. Because of differences in body chemistry (i.e. testosterone levels) and brain structure, boys are going to simply be more, well, defiant. Some are going to express it actively (i.e. the “alpha male” who tries to compete, lead, win, and impose himself on others). But others are going to defy authority using passive-aggressive techniques instead, such as with escapism (i.e. the Walter Mitty), withdrawing (i.e. the video gamers) and fatalistic cynicism (i.e. the Holden Caulfields).
Now just as some boys are going to be more feminine as Carol Gilligan and similar idealize, some boys aren’t going to naturally find ways to challenge authority. But the reality is that because of their physical and chemical makeup, lots of boys are.
Of course, this has always been the case. The rub is that it was better handled in the past primarily using disciplinary methods that by modern standards are considered harsh. Now girls, due to their divergent biochemical makeup, are going to be less likely to need discipline in the first place (look at the prison population for verification of this) and more likely to respond to the modern disciplinary methods.
But if you are dealing with a high testosterone 9 year old boy with an alpha personality, in many instances only the reality of corporal punishment is going to get such a young man to sit down. Even with his lower testosterone passive-aggressive male counterpart, it takes regular frequent disciplinary confrontations to overcome the escapist/withdrawing/cynical tendencies.
So, you wind up with situations where the “alpha boys” get expelled, especially when they get older and the mostly female teachers are physically intimidated by them, and the passive aggressive boys are viewed as simply lazy, and furthermore the teachers see their passiveness as an excellent alternative to the aggressive behavior and will reward them with good (or at least passing) grades for it.
And yes, this becomes a much bigger problem where minority males are concerned, as aggressive black males are often stereotyped as potential criminals, and passive black males are stereotyped as lazy while simultaneously getting rewarded for not being a potential criminal.
One of the examples where this manifests: reading. Male reading scores lag simply because it is harder to get males to read than it is to get girls to. The alpha boys will openly defy their teachers and parents, while the passive-aggressive boys will either do as little as they need to get by or they will pick a book that is easy or in line with their interests. Whether it is an alpha male who succeeds in not having to read or a passive aggressive male who succeeds in getting to dictate his reading choices, it is a success. Why?
Because the real issue isn’t reading, it is defying authority, the old “you’re not the boss of me!” thing. At an early age, most boys begin to value personal autonomy over rewards for doing as told. Girls, because of their different body chemistry and brain structures, value reward over personal autonomy. That’s why girls need to have notions of “be independent!” and “be self-reliant!” instilled into them. Now this is not to say that defiance isn’t a problem with girls. Instead, it is that girls begin to experience it at different developmental stages (i.e. puberty) for different reasons.
So, the way to improve reading scores (and male educational issues in general) isn’t to dump the “girly p.c. books” for the recommendations of (The “girly p.c. books” are another issue altogether.) Instead, teachers and parents need to stand up to the alpha and passive aggressive boys with a “read ‘Little Women’ or else!” stance and be prepared to back it up over and over again.
A child who does not generally do as told, especially in areas where obedience is expected like education, is simply a poorly disciplined one. The last thing that we need to do is to find ways to accommodate the bad discipline, because if we do, “the defiant ones” will pick new battlegrounds.
Some parenting experts have long advocated that the reason why boys defy and push boundaries is because they have some psychological desire, or even need, for parents and authority figures to set them for them. When parents and teachers set boundaries for boys, it gives them a sense of security and lets them know that they are valued and cared about.
However, parents and teachers who fail to set boundaries cause boys to think that no one really cares about them enough to invest the effort. As strange as it may sound, for boys at times corporal punishment serves the same purposes as do hugs and kisses for girls. (Now I did say “at times”, for boys certainly do need hugs and kisses.)
You can talk to any number of successful males about their teachers that were their favorite or the most prominent, and it will almost without fail be the best disciplinarians. That is a reason why sports programs are so effective with males … sports coaches are allowed to be much more strict and employ more strident disciplinary measures than are classroom teachers.
A teacher that yells at a child for not paying attention, or has him run laps and do push-ups for failing to do a book report wouldn’t last a week without being the subject of a dozen lawsuits from irate parents and child advocacy groups.
And this comes to another issue: the lack of male teachers in school and in many instances fathers in the home. We talk of this in terms of “role models”, which may be true. However, it may be the fact that grown men are simply better at disciplining boys because they were once themselves boys. Now of course, public schools can’t solve issues like out of wedlock parenthood and divorce.
Also, there aren’t that many things that can be done to get more men into the teaching profession that haven’t been tried already, as men consistently choose clearly inferior (in terms of prestige, earnings, and job security) career paths to public education. such as choosing a business degree that will lead to being a manager of a discount store (which does not even require a college education, offers low pay, undesirable benefits, and long hours) over teaching.
But public education simply has to find and adopt disciplinary measures that work for males, whether it is a return to meaningful corporal punishment or adopting a military school-type atmosphere. Either way, public school administrators will have to defy the libertine anti-discipline crowd that couldn’t abide so much as school uniforms in DeKalb County, people who either think the 1960s protests are still going on, or who wish they never ended.

Loving ramblings

Love is a strange thing
The Word is too Vague
It's been hijacked too many times
What does it even mean?

I don't know
I've heard people use the word Love to express a feeling about food,
clothes, cars.. I have even heard copulation described as "making love"(ridiculous)
I'm way off already on a tangent

I was just thinking of parental love
And most people Love their kids
But how people express that to their kids so differently

To me I think I display Love for my kids
By looking after them
My dressing them appropriately
By keeping them clean
Doing my best to keep them from harm
And of coarse all the more Display Types of Love
Telling them, hugging them, giving to them

But I know others who definitely
Love their kids
But it seems in other ways
They Love them by not making them brush their hair(maybe because it hurts)
They Love them by giving them a bag of candy(because they like it)
They Love them by ensuring they believe in Santa but are afraid they will learn about God
They Love them by allowing them to wear whatever they want(even if then, they don't look loved)

Besides all this
I still don't know what Love means
Some people love to quote that "God is Love"
To then justify their Loves(that it must be from God)
But when I learn about God, I learn that there are many things that God actually Hates

Some times I am confused when pain or difficulty comes along
I wonder of God is punishing me
But I Know this is not how he functions in these times.
One thing I do know is that Love is not Pleasure
Love is not Desire
Love is not selfish
And since most things just are simply selfish
It's hard maybe to discern Love
I do believe that Love is Peace
Which has got me thinking of those verses on Charity- True Love

1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.
3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.
4 ¶ Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5 doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6 rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7 beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
8 ¶ Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.

Where has all the Silence gone?

Get Set

Here I am
I'm here
My son is sick:(

I am thinking still .again. some more..
About how thankful I am
I know it's repetitious
I don't care
I'm so thankful
I'm so thankful for the burning I had in my heart to get myself to gospel meeting today
To get Out of the world

I'm so thankful even for the waves of difficulty or struggle that come and make me say
"Thank God There Is More"

I'm so thankful for the continuous feeling of confirmation and encouragement that I feel and know when I am in prayer or in church.

I am so thankful that God himself has been able to do something In me.

My heart this year is focused on miracles.
That Miracles would continue even before my eyes.
That there would be those that would be changed.
Just like me.
To turn from darkness to light
To say
"You know what? I have no peace without God, I'm afraid to die without a Saviour, I want guidance for my life. I want to do what's right. I am willing for whatever it takes to be right with God. Something is missing"

And it's happening
From all different walks of Life
People are still seeking for Truth
People are still willing to look at themselves and be honest
To search the scriptures
To seek in prayer
And I am so excited
I really am

And he sent them out

If you are wondering if my last post applied to you- it didn't.
It was in response to a situation with a friend who does not read my blog ...

Tonight we had a potluck with our ministers
One is 73
One is 83
They are still homeless.
They are still husbandless and childless.
They still have no pay cheque and no savings account and no retirement
They still preach the gospel
One who just got back from Asia
And one who is heading to Aftica
These are living miracles
And I am so humbled.
I am so humbled by their spirit
Their joy
Their peace
Their beauty
I am so thankful for them.
For their willingness and example
And faith

Work with me

Hello little Big world!
I'm finding Instagram way more fun than blogging latley
So Instant!

In other news,
I stopped reading the news last year
So it's been an uneventful, but calm and pleasant 6 weeks.

According to the calendar, I am turning a whopping 35 next month
Which is making me well aware of being a bonafied Adult. And making me feel done with making babies. Also I have been surprised at the amount of grey hairs presenting themselves.

I usually feel fine with myself until I turn my iPhone camera around and, well.., its not that pretty.
I look better from afar..

My one little message of the day would be:
If someone invites You somewhere
If someone calls you
If someone gives you the time of day
I am surprised at how many smart and kind people seem to think that ignoring people doesn't register as disgustingly rude behaviour. It's is rude people.
It is not kind.