"love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. wrap it up carefully round with hobbies and littles luxuries; avoid all entanglements. lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. to love is to be vulnerable.

c.s. lewis"

july 2nd 2004. sent to my inbox-

"lets be clear about a couple things here.... you are not better orworse than anyone, just different. and not even that different.Your heart works. It loves and laughs and gets crushed. You are maybe not the kinda girl who will live in one house or have one job for the rest of your life, but you are more grounded in truth than most people I know and that is supposed to matter more than anything else. I don'tknow how to make you believe that though, when you are living here now today in this life..... Those sunny smiles that everyone else have pasted on their face is not them handling life better than you... it is them not handling life at all... and maybe just pretending better. But you are not stuck here robin, and there is no such thing as a mistake. There are just choices, and some are better than others, and some you'll wish you hadn't have made, but that is called LIVING. this is life, and we don't get that much of it, so live the way you have to to get through and don't worry about the naysayers... they will always be there, and yes sometimes for your own good.... but ultimately it's up to you. Up to You. and i know you'll do the right thing if the right thing is revealed. but i love you regardless so go sit on the beach and paint and have barefeet and flowers in you hair... whatever it takes."
"You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, Peter Pan. That's where I'll be waiting. - Tinkerbell"
"your mind your humour your smile your spirit your heart your beauty your conviction your courage your dreams your support your goals your future your past your absolute breathtakingly important existance inspires me and is no less than a miracle- a shooting star.


"Gemeinschaft macht gemein” – “community makes common (crude)” and warned of the dangers of a society where mass-values are so strong that they can deaden even the strongest conscience.
Without an active prayer life we lose strength of character and succumb to what sociologists call herd instinct: we fall prey to fear of others, to ambition, to the desire to please people. Without prayer, the constant traffic and opinions of people around us will swamp our inner lives and finally drown them. We think we are our own masters, but in actual fact many of us cannot think for ourselves, let alone pray, anymore. Having lost its relation to God, our life consists merely (to quote Nietzsche again) of “constant adjustments to all sorts of different collective influences and societal demands.”"

my husband

has a trait that i wish upon every husband for the sake of their wife

he is not a picky eater
he will eat anything- or nothing

and if there is nothing
he does not complain

never once
and believe me
many a time
i don't cook

i don't really like cooking, and i am not that good at it, and i am not a picky eater- like i snack all day on things that make up a sandwhich- i don't ever make meals. if i cook it is a OnePlateDitty
ie. casserole, curry meal, shanghai, pasta, salad. that's pretty much my repertoire
and maybe one day it will change and maybe not

hubby is well acquainted with making himself scrambled eggs, or eating a microwave special.
and i really appreciate that.
nothing would be worse for me then the pressure to be
Suzy HomeMaker (i think thats her name)
I am more Amelia Bedilda(we all know her right?)

so thanks hubby
for making my existence
a little easier

the commune

i hope sharmi will personally attach the true plan for the commune
that we would fantacize about
because my rendition is much more vague
she had it down to the location and which plants would grow in the garden
didn't you?

i just think its funny
so i will tell you dear internet lurkers

sharmi and i would laugh to hysterics about how we wanted to live on a commune and grow dreads and have babies..i am laughing now talking about it..

in fact i think sharmi did grow dreads then...

but looking back, i think there may have been a problem, like- i am not the outdoorsy type at all. i don't camp, i don't hike, i don't do any adventurous water or winter or summer sports, i like shade and a hammock with no spiders. i like polka dot bikinis and i prefer if my fellow female friends shave their armpits.

maybe we should have called it a Spa and not a Commune..hmmm

we are not limitless

atleast i am not
i have my limits
i have seen them -some of them
with my bare eyes
i have seen the bottom of the barrel

we will never not need God
and we will never need more then God

i remember hearing- "when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"
and i am thankful that they didn't say "let go - and give up"

You will Die

thats right
you will die
so will I

So often the topic of Death
comes up and is greeted with silence
no one wants to talk about death

shutter the thought

Well, lets talk. I am scared to die. I am scared to meet my maker. I am scared to experience any pain what so ever. I am scared to end up in Hell. I am scared of the unknown. I am scared of not being in control.

But it will happen. Death, that is.
Unless Jesus returns sooner(option B)

Attention inhabitants of Universe Normal and Expected

There is another Universe coexisting here that is sometimes
abnormal and unexpected

Things may not be what they seem

When a 30 yr.old woman is walking down the street holding hands with a 14yr.old boy- she may not be a Pedophile..maybe she is woman working with an Autistic teenager who will run into traffic without handholding... but, thanks for yelling "Pedophile" out your car window.

you can see the train stops

a wise man regardeth his beast
proverbs(can't remember where, but its there)

cat people

some people hate cats
thats what they say
i say hate is a strong word

thier fuzzy and little and interesting

what do you hate about them?
because one day when you were little a grumpy one scratched you?
because they don't care about your existence half the time?

i don't get that
one thing i know
is that often what we hate is what we fear

anyway the point of the blog is to tell you
i have a cat named Jacob
and that i like cats and dogs and fish and birds and other beastly sorts except spiders and snakes because i fear them

read it love it live it

blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy

alas- my short lived break from thought

cause then i was thinking

i hope whoever reads this doesn't think that i just ate a salad today

good grief dear internet

are you not well aware of my diet or lack of

what i really ate so far today is:

-toast with ham and cheese and honey and tomato

-shanghai noodles with red pepper pinneaple tuna broccoli

-green salad with tomato carrots and chips(the only way to have salad is with chips)

-2 Dads cookies and half of a Venti Starbucks Chip Mocha Thing

and it is 1pm people- thats right- and it will continue

we get free food at work

and then big snack before bed

i eat a lot

which is good

because one of my all time rules is:

eat when you are hungry

not later because a big supper is being served, not later because you are going out for lunch, not later because you feel like you ate too much already that day... but right when your stomach starts to burn. eat right then. thats when your body knows exactly what to do with it. (atleast thats what i think) which sort of leads into why i don't and never have schedule fed my baby.

i think when baby is hungy baby should eat.

like when your plant is dry you water it

or when you have to pee you go to the toilet

to me it is sort of basic

sigh of relief

today i don't have an opinion about anything
i am on autopilot
went to dog park with babe
rearanged living room
ate salad
off to work

i sortof like days when my brain takes a short breather

just don't ask me what i think about anything

a friend reminded me

of a line from the book the Fountain Head
where one man wants to know from the other man
"what do you think of me"
and the response
"i don't think of you"

which leads to thought #3 of the day

Class is not a product of being wealthy
i have met many a stinking rich person with no class
and many a dirt poor person with skads of class
(ps. i don't think i am that classy--infact i would say often i display no class)

Style is not a product of being wealthy
ditto above

Infact I don't even know what the definition if style is, i would say maybe their isn't a definition. which would mean that it is much like beauty. beauty and style being in the eye of the beholder.
so maybe i don't know what i am talking about
maybe everyone has style- just all with different names and themes- sort of like language. we don't all speak the same language, but that doesn't mean were not making sense.

hmmm deep thoughts


amoung my fashion rules
stands a sure-fire go-to rule:

(not that i am a CEO of Fashionistas Inc. but,
here's my opinion of black)

black is boring and easy- overly done- overly sexualized
and so i don't want to wear it often
when things get ugly and i am in serious doubt as to what-to-wear
i always go to Black
black on black
summer winter day night casual funeral whatever
black does the trick

black goes with everything
kiss(keep it simple stupid)

religion and history

so i was reading this history book of mine from Uni
and was of course noticing that the beginning of time was quite different in this book vs. my Bible
and i realized that if i wanted to be an unbeliever
there was and will always be plenty of opportunity
there will always be information/knowledge
that will go against Faith

but i am relieved to see that within me
i don't desire to be "free" of Faith
i don't desire to lose my Peace, guidance, comfort, direction, prayer life
i don't desire to be an orphan wondering searching for an easier word to live by
i don't desire to let my lusts have free reign
i don't want to know what i could do without boundaries- infact i think i already know

the grass is not greener on the other side

dear friend

your secret is out
Proverbs 18:9
He also that is slothful in his work is brother to him that is a great waster."


i am not an economist
but um..
my grocery bill is going through the roof

and from some sources
from what i understand
things will continue to go that direction till it all explodes

my father is reading a book called "why your world is about to get a lot smaller"
and in summary
we will not be able to afford grapes from Chile, fish from Norway, suntan trips to Barbados etc.
because of the endangered resource of fuel-gas-oil

i am not a optimist when it comes to the future of planet earth
probably because i believe the Bible and Gods plan to essentially annihilate the place

i'm gonna dig an underground bunker and start growing potatoes

my spice rack

sea salt

grow up already

i have never bought an iron or ironing board
i have never bought a peice of tupperware
i have never bought a vacuum
i have never bought towels-though i have given some away

i have acquired them all through osmosis (aka- hand me down, and marriage)

i would simply never buy clothes that needed ironing, never use plastic containers, borrow my neighbors vacuum, and steal my parents towels

because i like spending money on fun things- not this adult-suburbite boring stuff


auntie and i were having conversation about one of the shopping rules we both agree on and that is:
you can never have it all- Quick, Cheap, Good
maybe 2 of the above like,- quick buy, good quality...but not cheap
or cheap, quick,...bad quality
get it?

kind of reminds me of another rule that I have-
Cost per Wearing:
ie. twenty bucks wear it 4 times ..so what?
240 bucks wear it 4 times.. stupid purchase!

so just a heads up I will be wearing my new purse till 2012...really.

long skirts

i mean the really long "new" Maxi skirt
the ToTheGround skirt

looks great
and maybe if you lived in a bungalow and had no children it would be fine

but i gotta say
climbing stairs with a toddler
stepping on my own dress
holding child and falling

makes me realize
i will skip this Trend all together

waiting for the bite

at a picnic
snake in the grass
everyone sees it
no one is saying a word


i remember hearing last summer something very powerful regarding our spiritual lives, and it was said rather directly:

if you don't have prayer, you don't have anything.

i wonder if it is possible to really pray if we arn't really honest

orange you glad

mere colour unspoiled by meaning

did i ever tell you internet that i wanted to be a "paint namer" when i grew up?

i love colour. i love describing colour. i love naming colour. i love what one colour can do- to a room, to a dress, to a painting. i love the difference between cobalt, royal, and navy. between sunshine, butter, and dandelion.

another friend joins parenthood

and i really am so happy for her

have i mentioned latley that i am In Love with my child?

i think thats why i am so happy for the new parents

because i never knew how special being a mom would be until i did it

and now i rejoice for them and their new journey

(sappy, i know)

got it figured out

when something is stained with cherries:
place item in luke warm water with soap
wait 15 minutes
remove item

notice cherry stains are removed!!

can you believe its that easy?
do losers really want to be losers?

probably not

Quotations of Theodore Roosevelt by The Theodore Roosevelt Association

Quotations of Theodore Roosevelt by The Theodore Roosevelt Association: "'It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.'

'Citizenship in a Republic,'
Speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910"


Our God. Your God. The Only God
is a jealous God
which explains the first commandment from Jesus

Thou shalt Love the Lord thy God with all thy Heart and Soul and Strength and Mind

..i am not writing this because i am getting victory with this command, but because i find it sobering and want to share

public private lives

are we all aware that it is not legal to post pictures of people or their children without their written or verbal consent?

and well everybodies doing it
and we're all friends here
and i am sure we have never been offended that someone posted without asking us

but i am just saying for your sake
and people in your life that are private people


what i miss about being single

its not what you think folks
not the chase
not the insecurity
not the independence
not the wretched lonliness
wondering if i would ever have a child
wear a ring, a white dress, have a name change
recovering from heartache again and again (yes thats how it went- i am sure you all remember)

i simply miss dancing around my one room apartment like a banshee
when no one was looking nor ever would
to leonard or bono or blackeyed peas, and especially billie jean(yes!)

so today i had forgotten that i loved to dance and Hope and I were bored due to a missing carseat- so I threw in my old U2 cd- and like magic- we were dancing
me the crazy one that brought her to tears
her the innocent bystander who will forget and thats the only reason I am willing to allow her into my banshee world

"you're dangerous cause you're honest, you're dangerous- you don't know what you want"-
ah, me, 20-something.

which sortof brings me to this topic

my daughter has blue eyes
sparkly big yummy blue eyes
and they are really pretty
and yes they are nice

I have dark brown eyes
and i like them

I like green eyes, hazel eyes, black eyes

I am not a believer nor ever have I been that blond hair and blue eyes is the key to beauty

Hopefully my daughter will be sortof cute mixed with a whole lot of funny and kind.


so in my dreams when i look in the mirror I am black.
african black.
is that not the strangest thing?

good thing i'm not racist


now i see that Lori is reading- i must take the time to apologize to her. I am fairly sure that one of the last times i actually talked to her on the phone, she was telling me about how her kids were still getting up in the night and she didn't want to let them cry it out(if i recall they were aprox.2 and the were waking up once in the night).
my response was based entirely on an opinion, not from experience and I said something along the lines that i thought there was nothing to debate and they should be left to cry it out.
well darling, i now have a child.
and she wakes up somewhere between 3-5 times a night. every night. all the time.
she is the lightest sleeper of all time.
and I am confident that i will never let her "cry it out."
its funny how we like to think there is a simple blanket answer to raising children, ie. at 6months let them cry. at 9 months they should sleep 12hrs. straight at night. by 2 they should ...yadayadayada- and well as the saying goes "rules are meant to be broken" or my personal favorite "what a load of garbage!"
I have never met 2 children who were exactly the same, or two parents that were exactly the same. I have never known anyone who slept exactly like me, or who ate the same as me. we are unique and I believe parenting should be unique because of that. i am happy for those mothers and fathers that have found a System that works for them, but I am even happier for those people when they find out they need to adjust that System.
so anyway- sorry Lori for being an opinionated unexperienced fool. I obviously did not have a clue. Heres to reality checks that teach us that Life is about Learning.